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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.