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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if Iād like whipped cream on it.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.