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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.