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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.