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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.