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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?