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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.