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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life