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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing