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Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..