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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.