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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.