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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?