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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.