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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?