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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you