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I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.