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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.