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"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!