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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"