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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!