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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.