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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.