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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.