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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.