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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes