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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
drink beer ?? save water
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.