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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned