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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"