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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?