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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.