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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.