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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.