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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.