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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
I have a black belt in leather
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.