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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.