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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
It takes balls to be a man.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?