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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.