Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.