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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!