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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
You look like I need another drink
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.