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Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.