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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.