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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.