Daily Silly Status

The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.

I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!

I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.

Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!

Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?

If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila

There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.

I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.

Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"

To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.

I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s

The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.