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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?