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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.