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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.