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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?