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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.