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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.