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This headache feels like dumb people
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!