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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
condoms prevent minivans
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?