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What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Plan B includes margaritas.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.