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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.