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If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.