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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!