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Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.