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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.