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I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.