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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.