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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
My therapist just offered me my money back.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.