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Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time