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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.